If you’re going to kill yourself,

*please note* this piece is ironic satire and is meant to be read figuratively- NOT to be taken literally. it highlights suicide related issues in a dark light as a reminder to anyone that considers ending their own life they still have so much for which to remain alive. If anyone reading this is one of those people, you are not alone. People care. Find them. Don’t give up. It’s going to be okay. 

If you’re going to kill yourself, do it while no one’s looking. This is between you and yourself. It’s nobody else’s business. As a matter of fact, if you want to make it easier, turn yourself into someone whom no one wants to pay attention. Fester in your filth- really marinate in it. Tell yourself you don’t mean anything to anyone until it becomes true. After all, no one wants to wash themselves with a dirty rag. Retreat into yourself and never come out, or else the light outside might blind you, or worse: make you change your mind. Vegetate, and let everyone and everything around you slowly forget you exist. You don’t want your cold, dead body dripping behind the eyes of your loved ones while what’s left of you hangs from the ceiling. You don’t want to ruin holidays and family gatherings for them forever. You don’t want your loved ones to stare at your empty chair at the dinner table every night. You don’t want to have loved ones at all.

If you’re going to kill yourself, do it while you’re still young. Before you’ve made mistakes and bad decisions. Before your mid-life crisis. Before your duties and responsibilities trap you. Throw yourself off a cliff, before you live a life you’ll regret throwing away.

If you’re going to kill yourself, clean out everything. Clear your mind, sweep away the cobwebs and good memories. Don’t remind yourself of the box of pictures collecting dust in the attic. Throw out all the faded blue ribbons from your horse riding and 3rd grade painting days. Give away everything you own. Clothes can’t keep a dead body warm. Dead people don’t need toothbrushes or beds on which to sleep. Dead bodies don’t need air. Suffocate yourself, before you waste any more of the oxygen that’s more deserving of someone else’s lungs.

If you’re going to kill yourself, eliminate positivity from your vocabulary and your surroundings. Stop telling yourself it’s going to be okay. Stop thinking about your future: your spouse, your children, your pets. Your white picket fence and rose garden and two story cottage in the middle of the suburbs. Your penthouse studio apartment in the middle of New York City. Your ranch house in the middle of nowhere. Forget about everything you’re capable of and all the things you can do or be if you set your mind to it: astronaut, firefighter, teacher, nurse, photographer, pharmacist, computer technician, engineer, or even the president. Forget about making a difference in the world. You’re worthless. Forget about everything you love: food, sunsets and sunrises, animals, flowers, butterflies, and words like bubbly and dulcet and eloquence. Stop trying to be happy. You don’t deserve to be happy. Stop picturing the light at the end of the tunnel and instead imagine the sweet dark bliss at the end of your life. You don’t want to regret your choice when you’ve overdosed and the life you could’ve lived flashes before your eyes while you breathe your last jagged breaths.

Finally, if you’re going to kill yourself, don’t. You still have so much left to live for.